I can only hope that the cash that was in my wallet when it was stolen in the early hours of this morning is enough to buy the hit that fucker who took it ODs on.

The fact that he is stealing from me basically means that there is a hierarchy and I am higher on it than him. This may engender pity among some and in me on other days perhaps but I am in no mood for looking at it from his point of view. I am looking at things from my point of view right now so I say screw him.

May his finger get cut off by a rusty hacksaw and shoved in his eye. May a sharp edge on my debit card give him a cut on his hand that festers and turns gangrenous. May his haircut be effeminate and inappropriate. May taxies never stop when he hails them. May his home furnishings be poorly made and uncomfortable.

I hope he had an unhappy childhood and was unpopular and bullied. I hope he has an unsightly mole somewhere that embarrasses him.I hope his toast always burns and his coffee is always cold. I would like him to be strapped to a chair and forced to listen to Boyzone for eight hours or perhaps Howard's IR legislation being read by John Laws.

Wouldn't it be cool to see him tethered by the ankle to the landing gear of a 747 during take off? You may think that is going a bit far but what if I could video it: a prize on Australia's Funniest Home Videos would cheer me up no end.

¶ 10:45 am